Eggs are Ironic

There is nothing easy about over easy eggs and there is nothing hard about boiling eggs. Why do you people do this to me?

Doctors know a lot

According to my doctor, your eyes, nose, and mouth are part of your "face," not your grill.

My mom is funny

The other day my mom said that being on ESPN had really helped me come out of my shell. I laughed and said, "no mom, I came out of you."

See -- birds come out of eggs, babies come out of mommies.

You and your fancy fucking words

Look down at your feet. Are they moving? Then you are a pedestrian. Why the fancy word? I don't know. I think some people just try to impress themselves.

Let's cut through the crap.

You are talkin' apples and oranges and I am talkin' about fruit.

Don't believe the hype.

Save yourself a lot of time and headaches. Whether you concentrate or not, there is juice in that box.

This is total bullshit

French fries are nothing more than potatoes.